"With music by our side, to break the color lines
Let's work together, to improve our way of life"
~ Janet Jackson ~
Yawn-n-n-n, after watching the bre- ...oops... best darn half-time show in Super Bowl history for the umpteenth time, it's now 2 a.m. Sunday evening. Already there seems to be quite a controversy stemming from Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction," so much to where MTV will no longer be allowed to produce another half-time show. I guess it appears that the prudes and socially conscious people of the world will make sure our future half-time shows follow a strict set of guidelines.
Well, I'm gonna take one more swig of NyQuil and drift off into dream-land . . . .
Fast forward to Sunday, February 6, 2005 - hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to CBS' broadcast of Super Bowl XXXIX, coming to you live from ALLTEL Stadium, Jacksonville, Florida. This is Jim Nantz and alongside of me is Deion Sanders (whatsup yo), Dan Marino (hello), and guest analyst Bill "Tuna" Parcells (leave me alone). We're in for one heckuva game here fellas, as the Tennessee Titans make their second trip to the Super Bowl against the Philadelphia Eagles. (Yes folks, this is a dream here).
Nantz: "We have an excellent half-time show planned for this evening. The Doan's Pills/Preparation H Super Bowl Half-Time Show will commence immediately after the second quarter (so some of the acts can get to their bedtimes before 10 p.m.) Deion, we have ourselves some great performances lined up, unlike the travesty we had to sit through last year."
Deion: "Well Jim, I kinda liked last year's show. It had a lot of flash to it."
Nantz: "First of all, we have the star of such sitcoms like the 'Mary Tyler Moore Show' and 'Golden Girls,' Miss Betty White!"
Marino whispering to Nantz: "Wasn't 'Golden Girls' a bit risque? Those women sat around and talked about smut. That's why it was on Saturday nights, late I might add."
Nantz (putting finger to his lips): "Sh-h-h-h-h!"
Deion whispering to Nantz: "Yeah, and what about all of those curse words she said to the police in 'Lake Placid?' What if she regresses into that role?"
Nantz: "We threatened ...I mean... told her that her long-time, adoring fans want to see her lovable side - and we'd better. Anyway, also on tap, straight from Utah, an Osmond Brothers reunion, along with comedian Carrot Top; everyone's favorite Brady, Florence Henderson; and, for the fellas, country singer Dolly Parton."
Parcells (obviously perking up): "Wow, we're going to have Florence Henderson!"
Nantz: "Settle down there, Tuna, you'll never guess who she'll be performing with. None other than former Baywatch star, David Hasselhoff!"
Marino: "Will Hasselhoff be bringing the Knight Rider car with him? That would be so cool!"
Nantz: "Not this year, Dan. It all depends how he acts this year. His duet with Florence is one that should light up the stage. Speaking of which, instead of all of the expensive pyrotechnics and ear-piercing sonic booms, they've come up with a more conservative, yet efficient, light show."
Deion: "And what might that be, Jim, since they've obviously spared no expense for the entertainment."
Nantz: "Glad you asked, Deion. This year, the field will be filled with over 100 area Boy Scout troops. Each Scout will be waving a lit sparkler, which should last the duration of the show."
Marino: "Sounds like this half-time show will have more life in it than them Cowboys did this season, right Bill?"
Parcells (gritting his teeth): "And how many Super Bowls have YOU won there, Danny boy?"
Nantz: "Gee fellas, we've done so much talking that we've missed the first half already, with the score Eagles 14, Titans 3. Brace yourselves, boys, it's now time for the Doan's Pills/Preparation H Super Bowl Half-Time Show!"
Suddenly, it seems like I've awoken to see Janet Jackson standing over me, trying to calm me down.
Jackson: "Dennis, don't worry, hon, it was just a nightmare. Everything will be alright! (starts singing her hit 'Alright' to me)"
Okay, now I finally wake up. Guess it's time to cut back on the NyQuil. Unfortunately, saints and sinners, the above scenario may actually happen. In fact, if the networks have their way, it'll soon be a nightmare for everyone.
Until then, some final words of wisdom to "write-off" to - "fair winds and following seas" to Dena Fritz, as this is her last day as publisher of The Phoenix. She's off to do her magic at The Reporter in Lansdale. Upon her arrival two years ago, she managed to brighten the interior of this old building and made it a home away from home. That says a lot, considering some of the hours that are kept here by employees. Her "open door" policy was refreshing and allowed for everyone to voice their opinion. How awesome is it that you can have a discussion with your boss and speak openly about issues of concern. Whenever I asked for "one minute of her time," she always had five minutes plus to spare. Without a doubt, the coolest publisher I've ever worked for. Best wishes, and don't forget us here at The Phoenix!
Dennis J. Wright can be reached at email@example.com.