The big day is approaching, so let me be the first to wish Happy Father’s Day to all you dads.

And let’s not all deceive ourselves. While dads are important, the true superstars of family life are mothers.

I think that’s primarily a matter of biology. Children feel closer to their mothers who toted them along like groceries in the womb for nine months while their fathers were in a water hazard on the golf course or simply in a watering hole.

And partly a matter of being there. Kids relate to mothers who cleaned up their vomit, cooked for them, shopped for them, indulged them and pampered them while their fathers were in a water hazard on the golf course or simply in a watering hole.

Not that all fathers are MIA, of course. A lot of dads show up for Little League games and scream batting tips at Junior even though the old man hit .196 in Little League.

By the way, for you young fathers out there and for those who hope to be dads someday, there’s really no trick to it. Just have a big wallet so you can spend lavishly on your kids for the remainder of your life, let their mother take care of everything else and memorize some words to live by:

Such as …

“You’re going to sit there until you eat your dinner. I don’t care if you sit there all night.”

“Delayed obedience is disobedience.”

“When I say no, I mean no. Why? Because, that’s why.”

“If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about.”

“Two wrongs do not make a right.”

“As long as you tried your hardest, that’s all that matters.”

“I’m giving you a timeout instead of a spanking even though I was spanked hard and often by your grandfather you know as a real softie who buys you ice cream.”

“If I didn’t hear it, you didn’t say it.”

“Shape up or ship out.”

“What’s so funny? Wipe that smile off your face.”

“We’ll do it the right way. My way.”

“Don’t ask me, ask your mother.”

“This is your last warning.”

“You’re grounded for life.”

“Let that be a lesson to you.”

“Son, don’t ever get married. And tell that to your kids.”

“No daughter of mine will date before she’s 25.”

“Enough is enough!”

“Do what I say, not what I do.”

If that advice isn’t enough for you, you can actually find online wikiHow to Be a Good Father.

God, how did we ever get along in life without the Internet?

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